He who covers and forgives an offense seeks love,
But he who repeats or gossips about a matter separates intimate friends.
Proverbs 17:9 (Amplified Bible)

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My husband was my best friend, and I found this to be foundational in our marriage. As Jimmy Stewart’s character Charlie Anderson said in the movie “Shenandoah” to his daughter’s suitor, “I know you love her, but do you like her?” 

During one season of my life, I was guilty of recounting the negative interactions I had with my husband to my girlfriends. After purging, a loyal friend would heartily agree. Subsequently, I felt even more validated in my annoyance. At home I would churn up the issue again with my husband. It should have already been forgiven and resolved. Repeating an issue, “venting”, seeking approval that I was right, created a larger fissure with my husband.

Then I heard from the pulpit that this type of behavior is “rehearsing your anger.” I definitely was getting myself more riled up and my righteousness more defiant. I changed that behavior, and it made a world of difference. Instead, after a disagreement, I took a long walk or bike ride and told all my frustrations to God. He didn’t interrupt, but afterwards my mind traveled to all my husband’s good qualities. I noticed how the argument was relatively trivial compared to his redeeming characteristics.  Frequently, I did not come home to a resolution, but at least I was no longer upset. I had forgiven him for his part and forgiven myself for my part. Sometimes there was more healthy discussion, and sometimes the matter was simply dropped. I finally realized that if I respected him, I should not gossip about him.

The Bible is a treasure of wonderful advice on how to live.  One verse, like today’s Scripture, can be pivotal in building and sustaining healthy relationships. Take time to reflect on the implications these few simple words can have on all your friendships. Reconciliation starts with an attitude of reconciliation before words of reconciliation. Involving others (besides trained counselors, where both parties are involved) in a private matter can create more problems than it solves.

With my dear husband, this came full circle when attending one of his work parties. A female colleague of his told me, “When all the other guys are ragging on their wives and girlfriends, Scott never joins in. He never has a bad word to say about you. I just thought you should know.” To be on the receiving end of respectful honoring is a glorious feeling.

Next Steps

Reflect on how you deal with disagreements. Do you continue to keep it private? Do you want to build a team “on your side”? Do you honor the person with whom you disagree and continue to pray for relational healing?